About Me

Maybe if I stop changing my mind on what I want to be when I "grow up" I'll end up with a degree and a job! Right now, I'm about to start a new school... I have a wonderful son and awesome hubby. I am a flutist and bassoonist, music is my first love.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Five Stages of Grief

There are many things that may trigger us to experience grief. I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by my emotional response to the realization that neither my husband nor I will every be able to experience sex in a normal and natural way. My husband is circumcised. I was okay with this until I began to research and learn about the functions of the foreskin. Now, I grieve the loss of an experience I can never have.

I don't believe the denial stage lasted very long for me. At first, I really didn't think that the foreskin would make much of a difference in my experience. I knew how sex was with partners who were cut, and I wasn't complaining. The more information I took in, the more I realized that there was a difference--that I was missing out on something.

 I don't know that I will ever stop being angry about this. I am still angry. I am angry every day that this was not only taken (forcefully, without consent) from my husband, but it was also taken from me. My anger runs deep to the core of my being. It is an intense anger that drives me to fight to stop this senseless practice.

I am not sure how one can bargain over the loss of a foreskin. There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only hope to bring my husband around to my side. I would absolutely love it if he would attempt to restore, but I feel that it will be a long emotional journey before we reach that point.

I have always been prone to bouts of depression. It seems to come and go sometimes without reason or explanation. This time it hit me hard. I felt defeated and dejected for days. I did not want to be intimate with my husband, every time I looked at him it reminded me of what we were both missing, of what I could not have. It made me even more sad that I felt I couldn't talk to him about it. I still don't feel like I can talk to him about it.

It will never be okay. It will never be alright that my husband was cut. But perhaps I can learn to live with it. I can accept that this is the man I love and I love him even if he is not whole.

 It is true that in time all wounds will heal. Becoming an intactivist and fighting to help those that need to be protected from unnecessary circumcision is helping me to heal. One day all our children will be protected from genital modification.


  1. How does your husband feel about it? I have seen and read about growing it back, or actually stretching the skin back down over the tip....

  2. I've been to chicken to discuss it in depth with him lately... He gets very defensive about his stance (pro-circ). What really gets me is that before our son was born he was fine with not cutting. Then, he had one conversation with another man and completely changed his mind. It's just a huge can of worms that I don't want to open at this moment. But I will, I have to.